Wild Eds
by FlowerofAdversity
Summary: Take the story of Wild Hogs and mix it with EENE. THIS is the result.


Note: An EENE fan fiction based on the riotous new comedy Wild Hogs. The Eds, now older, have grown tired of their monotonous suburban lives and decide to buy some hogs, some leather and ride the open, wild roads.

"It's all about livin', and the wide open road ! Come on, I dunno how many summers we're gonna have left !''--Woody Stevens, Wild Hogs 

"I'll have to arrest you on four counts of indecent exposure, three accounts of lewd and lascivious behavior, and one account of pure jealousy."—Gay Cop, Wild Hogs

The Characters

Doug Madsen: Ed

Woody Stevens: Eddy

Bobby Davis: Rolph

Dudley Frank: Double D

Maggie: Nazz

Chapter 1—So Horribly Boring

Eddy loved the life he was living at the current time, but the lifestyle in the cul-de-sac was driving him absolutely nuts. If he didn't do something soon, he'd snap. He had an incredibly crazy idea. He thought perhaps he'd call his best friends and start spending some money in an attempt to change their circumstances. For some strange reason, he could picture them all having Harleys; and a motorcycle was something he always wanted to possess. The only thing is…He had no idea how to ride one. And neither did the rest of the guys.

But did that really matter in the long-run ? Hell no.

Double D was sitting in the lab, trying to concoct a better tasting, longer lasting bubblegum that was also biodegradable and had nearly perfecting the formula. He was so close that he could taste it, quite literally.

When he was about ready to test the gum, the phone rang, nearly making him jump out of his skin. He already knew it was Eddy, thanks to the caller-id feature on his telephone.

"Eddy, I'm in the middle of something extremely important. Can't calling me wait for a bit ?", he questioned, getting slightly frustrated.

"Double D, this _is_ a matter of life and death. I'm no longer finding excitement in anything…not even from the sweetness of jawbreakers.", Eddy confessed.

"Goodness me, then it _is_ serious. What do you have in mind, exactly ?", Double D inquired.

"I want you, Rolph and Ed to come with me to the nearest Harley Davidson shop. We're changing our image. Secondly, we're going to do a bit of a yard sale and get rid of all the junk cluttering up our miserable lives. With what money we make, we're getting ourselves some hogs.", Eddy said, confidently.

"Hogs ? What do we want with _pigs_ ?", Double D retorted, raising an eyebrow in bemusement.

"Not _that_ kind of hog, sock head. Hog, like MOTORCYCLE.", Eddy explained. Double D felt somewhat dumb having to have something like that explained to him, but he got the point. He wasn't certain what else sneaky Eddy had up his sleeves but he would see the plan unfolding before his eyes before he could do anything to stop it.

Chapter 2—Leather Clad Quartet

After a monotonous day at work, Eddy called all the guys on 4-way dialing and they carpooled to the closest Harley Davidson shop. Forgive the pun, but when they came in, they went hog wild buying everything they saw that would make them look the part of being "American bad boys". Of course, this set them back a few hundred dollars considering leather isn't exactly cheap. Yet, Double D had been able to cover them seeing as he had been making a gigantic amount of money from inventions and fixing computers, building new gadgets and such.

The friends would have to wait a while before they could purchase their hogs, but they were well on their way to becoming "bad to the bone". All they needed now was a patch that represented all that they stood for, and Ed had a marvelous idea.

"How about we call ourselves the _Jawbreakers_ ?", he said, knowing exactly what the logo would look like once it was made and sewn onto the backs of their leather jackets. It would be an ordinary, colorful jawbreaker, but with the slightest hint of a skull and crossbones at the side. Ah, yes. Definitely hard core.

Rebels in the making…without a clue.

After about a week of working Double D had amassed enough capital to pay for their hogs as well as possible stops the boys would make along their travels. They wouldn't have to worry about spouses because they weren't married, or kids wondering when they would come home. The open road was their playground, and they had all the time they wanted to explore.

Chapter 3—Jawbreakers Hit the Road, and the Road Hits Back

Eddy had suggested that no technology would be used on the trip on the open road. It would be just them, the elements and the open road. All the while none of them really knew where they were going. They were simply following wherever the road led them to.

Before long, the boys had to find someplace to set up their tent. A wooded area nearby seemed like the perfect, picturesque place to do so. They were all telling stories and roasting marshmallows.

"Don't you think yours' is done by now ?", Eddy asked. Double D looked at his flaming torch and started to blow it out but mistakenly threw it onto the tent.

"Oh CRAP !", Eddy yelled, immediately becoming upset

"No, no, no, no !", Ed added, in a panic.

"Fetch the water, quickly !", Rolf said, and then watched in horror as Double D accidentally dumped some kerosene for the motorcycles on the tent.

"That's supposed to be flame retardant !", Eddy screamed, feeling helpless.

"Get out of Rolf's way !", Rolf said, dosing what was left of the tent and their clothesline with water.

They would have to sleep on the mattress that Ed had brought, but only three of them could fit on it. Poor Rolf would be subjected to sleeping on the ground. Strangely, he didn't complain about it. It must've been commonplace for him in the "old country".

When the four of them awoke, they found a buff and muscular police officer staring at them.

"Well, well, well. What do we have here ?", he asked.

"Officer, this isn't what it seems to be…", Rolf began, noticing how the officer was staring at them.

"What it looks like we have are four men…spooning ?", the officer retorted.

"Nah, nah…Nothing like that…", Eddy said, starting to become nervous.

"I'll have to arrest you for four accounts of indecent exposure, three accounts of lewd and lascivious behavior and one account…of pure jealousy.", the cop said with a wolfish grin.

"Not good…", Ed said to the others.

Without saying much else, the four of them decided to be on their way and flee from the homosexual police officer. Yet they had to admit to themselves he was a rather strapping middle-aged man. Hopefully once they started on their journey on the open road, they would avoid running into him again.

Along the way into the southwest, they had been through a storm and had collected numerous bugs on their helmets and goggles. They had to be careful smiling, but Ed was the only one who didn't care and proudly bared his bug-stained teeth, to which the others found somewhat nauseating. There was a lake nearby, and it was hot enough that all of them thought a swim would do them good.

Double D had surprised the others by swimming with nothing but a smile on his face. It wasn't like him to be so open and free considering his conservative background.

"Sock-head, are you nuts ? What if someone sees us ?", Eddy asked.

"There's no one around for miles. We'll be fine !", Double D said, making a sudden splash, diving and resurfacing quickly in the shallow water.

"Fine, Rolf too will remove his outer garments. What the heck, eh ?", Rolf said, tossing his swim trunks to the side of the of the lake in a leisurely manner. Ed joined in with a huge grin and then they all looked at Eddy.

"Fine. I will get naked with my gay friends. But if any of them take a look at my junk, I'll freakin' kill 'em.", Eddy threatened. Of course, he was just playing when he called them "gay", since none of them were.

The four of them were swimming until a family came along to join them.

"Actually, there's a more shallow pond a few miles back, far from here !", Eddy said, trying to make the family leave, but the kids came into the water anyway, swimming about in the pool nearby to theirs.

"You really don't want to come in these waters. There are black snakes and crawdads that you must watch out for !", Rolph warned.

"Crawdads ! Ooo, I'd love to catch some !", the father said, quickly diving in to look for some until he swam into Eddy and noticed he was naked.

"Kids, get out of the water.", he said, sternly.

"Aw, dad !", the young girl said.

"But we just _got_ here !", the eldest son said. The mother had seen the men's clothing discarded at the side of the pool and reality dawned on her.

"Come on kids, listen to your dad.", she coaxed them.

"But mooooom !", the little girl whined.

"Get out of the damn water ! Now ! NOW !", the husband said splashing some water and the kids scrambled out of the water. All was calm until they turned around and saw the cop who had found them before in the pool with them.

"Isn't this something ? This is the life ! WOOOO !", the cop said, jumping and splashing about.

"You'll have to excuse Rolf but…", Rolf began.

"Five's a crowd…Oh, I understand…But I have an idea…Marco…", the cop began shielding his eyes to begin playing a game with them.

"Polo…", Double D said softly, before being jerked away by Ed.

"MARCO !",the police officer shouted, hitting the water fiercely and all the others fled. By having cleansed themselves they would be untraceable by the officer and no longer have to worry about being tailed by him any longer.

Chapter 4—Run In With El Hombres

It was a long drive to the next bar, but the Jawbreakers were in alien territory. There was a gang of true bikers known as El Hombres. They were the baddest, meanest, most rebellious bikers in the entire nation. They weren't the types you would want to meet in a dark, dank ally alone and vulnerable with no back up.   
Yet, Ed had thought their bar _The Thirsty Vulture_ would be a terrific place to stop and wet their whistles.

They all wanted sodas, and the guys just laughed at them. They particularly laughed at Double D who had recently gotten a removable tattoo of a representation of an atom on his arm. The leader, Trevor, was ticked off that they were even there. Yet, he decided to be "hospitable".

"I see you've got a Panhandle out front.", Double D said, suddenly the resident 'expert' on motorcycles.

"That old piece of junk ? Oh, it's nothing !", Trevor said, with a smug smile.

"I'll trade you for my Sportser.", Double D offered.

"No way ? Really ? I grew up riding a Sporster, I always wanted another.", Trevor answered, knowing he had just hooked this suburban sucker. He led Double D and his friends outside to where there was a Panhandle in shambles, waiting to be repaired.

"I won't take that…Are you crazy ?", Double D said, beginning to become irate.

"You _will_ take it, or I'm gonna kick your ass.", Trevor threatened.

So, without any questions, the Jawbreakers took their bikes and rode off far away from the El Hombres.

Double D had to ride in the sidecar, without objecting.

"I'm going to give those Hombres a piece of my mind.", Eddy said, smacking his leather fist into his hand.

"What do you mean ? You've flipped your pancakes, Ed boy !", Rolph noted, stating the blatantly obvious.

"And what if I have, Rolph ! We're _bikers_ now. No one but no one tells us what to do. I'm going back to the Thirsty Vulture. None of you follow…Got that ?", Eddy said.

"Boy, what's gotten into Eddy ? I've never seen him this miffed. He's going to give those guys such a spanking…", Ed said, gnawing on his fingernails.

Eddy walked with a pair of clippers back to the Thirsty Vulture and noticed El Hombres were whooping it up, drinking, playing cards, and laughing about their recent "victory" over the Jawbreakers.

"I'll show you who's boss.", Eddy thought to himself while cutting their gas lines on their motorcycles and riding away on his. All the while, he threw a lighter, still lit, by the side and left before the Vulture exploded. Unfortunately for him, no Hombre was hurt, but they were madder than a disturbed nest of scorpions, and they were about to give the Jawbreakers payback…wherever they were.

"So did you tell them off ?", Ed asked.

"Oh yeah, and they aren't gonna bother us anymore !", Eddy boasted.

"Excellent, so…what now ?", Rolph added.

"We gotta ride, and go far from here as we can.", Eddy said.

"Why's that though ? We don't have to worry about El Hombres.", Double D said, inquisitively.

"Just ride ! Come on, let's go ! It's all about freedom and the open road. We're burnin' daylight.", Eddy said, and the others kick-started their bikes and rode into the west as far away as they could to the next gas station. Of course, they didn't stop there, and kept riding on, not thinking that they had missed their final stop for refueling. Pity that huge semi-truck had blocked the sign that read:

"Next gas stop in 100 miles."

Chapter 5—Safe in MAH-Drid (No, not SPAIN, you FOOL)

The friends were complaining about the heat and wondering if there was a gas station ahead, but no hope seemed to be in sight. That is, until Ed saw a sign.

" Madrid ? Are we in Spain ?", he asked, thinking he was hallucinating.

"No, I believe it is pronounced Mah-Drid.", Eddy corrected him.

"Then we are saved !", Rolph announced happily.

They had finally made it to "Nazz's Diner" and came in and started drinking water and soda straight from the tap. They found a table to sit at and a family that had been enjoying some drinks quickly left the diner before anything could be said. As soon as the friends had sat down, the Sheriff of the town had come in and began to lecture them.

"Listen, we don't want any trouble from you El Hombre types.", he said, hoping he could convince them to leave and be on their way.

"We're not those jerks, we're harmless, like lambs !", Rolph interjected.

"Oh thank God. They're not El Hombres, folks…", The Sheriff said, relieved. Apparently Madrid had experienced troubles with those guys in the past, and according to the Sheriff, they came through every so often and bullied the townspeople.

"You don't have to worry about the Hombres, Eddy here taught 'em a lesson, showed them what's what !", Ed said, patting his friend on the back. Eddy pretended to smile, but he was trying to hide his expression of insane worry and sorrow from them. If he cracked under pressure now it would be bad for his image. He had gotten them into this mess, and they didn't see any way of getting out of it, so while everyone else was celebrating; he was hiding his tears of utter despair.

The next day, when Eddy was so eager to leave Madrid, the others had come to like the quaint atmosphere as well as the Chili Fest, which was oodles and oodles of fun. Again, Double D had run into Nazz, who had been offering some of the hottest chili known to man. She offered Double D a sample, and at first he had been reluctant to try it.

"Usually I don't eat spicy foods, but if its anything you make, that's my kind of hot. I mean, that's the kind of hot I want to kiss. I mean taste ! That's the kind of hot I want to taste.", Double D said, a bit awkwardly. He quickly brought a spoonful of chili into his mouth and thought it was pretty delicious at first.

"Ha, that's not so bad.", he said.

"Gets hotter as it sits in your throat.", Nazz said, playfully.

"Oh my. Oh MY ! Good gravy, I've swallowed hot lava !", Double D said, rushing off to drink about 10 cups of ice water.

Chapter 6—Party's Over

Before they knew it, the Hombres had come into Madrid looking for the Jawbreakers.

"I thought you _talked_ to them Eddy !", Ed said, with a bit of a pout to his lip.

"You guys know I'm a pathological liar. It's not like I can simply break my habit !", Eddy confessed. Rolph, who was usually the tough, confident type, hung his head and sighed.

"We're all gonna DIE !", Rolph exclaimed, nearly beginning to weep.

"No, we are NOT. I'm going to give those Hombres a piece of my mind. We've been running away from our problems long enough.", Double D said, showing a side that none of his friends had ever seen before. Perhaps since he felt that Nazz could be threatened, he wanted to be chivalrous and protect her. Little did he know he was going to be terribly outnumbered.

Double D carried his tire-iron with him, slapping it menacingly as he could into his leather glove. He thought to himself that his faux-menace wouldn't even be able to scare a cockroach, let alone get these knuckleheads in Nazz's Diner to stop bullying everyone. But he didn't care. This was the diner that belonged to the love of his life. No one had the right to desecrate it, because it was a work of art, like its manager.

Double D opened the swinging door to the diner, shouting out some threatening words but the door didn't allow him enough time for entry. He tried again and called for everyone's attention.

"Stop this, immediately ! You are destroying a masterpiece, which happens to belong to the love of my life ! I won't give up until you leave ! And if it must get ugly, well…It'll get _ugly_ !", Double D said, pounding the tire-iron into his gloved hand. He raised it up as Trevor and the others approached him. Unfortunately, the iron slipped out of his hand and broke the diner's door window. Before he knew it, he had been surrounded.

Chapter 7—Now, It's PERSONAL !

Nazz had heard the bad news from the Sheriff that Double D had been held by the Hombres.

"Sockhead Double D is done for…", Rolph said, sadly.

"No. He's not ! I vote for DOING something. We won't accomplish anything by standing around.", Ed said, actually being eloquent for once. Yet, they knew he was right. They couldn't let the Hombres hold their friend hostage.

Gathering up their courage and coming out to speak to the punks who had tied Double D up and hung him like a piñata, Eddy decided to retrieve Double D and pull him down. Eddy started up his motorcycle and grabbed Double D from the waist down at the past. For a while, the rope was so taught that it didn't break. They waited for a few moments and gravity finally gave way for the rope to snap and break. Yet, Eddy and the others weren't going to be getting out of this compromising position as easily as they would have hoped.

There was a near mass butt-whooping when the Hombres had surrounded the Jawbreakers. But the people of Madrid had finally had all they could stand. They were tired of being pushed around and ostracized by these hooligans that terrorized their town every year during the chili fest.

"Well then, who else is going to stand up to us ? We have the advantage here.", Trevor said with a toothy, cocky, self-assured smirk.

"_We_ are, you jerk !", Nazz said, smacking a pole into her hand. One by one the other townspeople stepped in and even the police were helping. The Hombres, realizing it was a foolish gesture to continue brawling, decided to take their defeat like men and return to wherever the road led them.

Chapter 8—A Biker Never Knows

It had been challenging for Eddy and his friends to say goodbye to their new friends, especially for Double D. He had never really had much luck at winning over women, but Nazz had been an exception.

"Will you ever come back ?", Nazz said, after drowning Double D in some rather passionate kisses.

"A biker never knows, my dear. I go where the road takes me. Perhaps someday I will return.", Double D answered, and found his final words muffled by Nazz's kisses again.

"Come on, Smoochenstein…Let's get movin'.", Eddy said.

"Yeah quickly, daylight's burning.", Rolph added.

"Be seein' ya, missy.", Double D said, before giving her a salute and heading into the sunset with his friends. All the while, Nazz stood there in front of her diner, with a blissful expression upon her face.

It was bittersweet to leave Madrid behind, but the friends were heading into the Sunset Strip. Rolph seemed to be sidetracked by the beautiful babes that passed by everywhere. Unfortunately, he had crashed head-on into a surfboard which resounded with a loud "PANG" when he hit it. Luckily, Rolph had his helmet on so he could get back on his Harley and keep on riding.

Although the friends eventually made it back to Vancouver, Canada, they had friends asking about them when they returned home. It seemed that people had a newfound respect for them. Even Kevin, who had grown up pummeling them and making their lives miserable, had a newfound respect for them. He was even more impressed when the Jawbreakers had called Extreme Makeover: Home Edition to build El Hombres a new bar even after they had threatened to kick the snot out of them (and they did hold Double D ransom after all).

They were changed men. Though not "bad to the bone", they were true bikers and nothing could change that.

Epilogue 

The open road is always calling these four friends back to it. And goodness knows when they will return to it. Perhaps today ? Perhaps tomorrow ? Only the whims of their spirits know the true answer to that question, but the rest is left to the restless spirit and the voice of the wind.

The End


End file.
